Thursday, October 1, 2009
Maintaining Order
In order for a leader to maintain order, he/she has to know how to stay calm and control his/herself. If a leader does not know how to stay calm, he/she will not be able to be a leader, especially in hard times. A leader also needs to be able to make good, smart, and very strong choices. He/She needs to make decisions that will be good for the civilization. IF not, then the civilization will get otu of order. The most important part is to make laws. Laws tell people what they cannot do, which is also telling them what they can do. It is stronger than words, because with laws, there are punishments.
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Topic sentence: The topic is not about being a good ruler, but about how to maintain a civilization.
ReplyDeleteEvidence: No evidence
Coherent, Organized: It is coherent and organized, but not completely on the right topic.
Stay On Point: Again, it would be good if how to be a good ruler was the topic, but it isn't.
Analysis: No examples, and not on the right topic.
~Eli G.
You have a lot of really great ideas here, but you don't really explore them the way I'd like you to. Each idea you have is great, but because you have so many, you don't get into detail on any of them. The topic sentence doesn't really capture the overall idea of the piece. However, the paragraph was clear and understandable-just work on the evidence and cohesiveness of the piece.
ReplyDelete-Ayelet Schrek